The Serious Conversation Most New Couples Never Have
That’s a great click bait title! I didn’t make it up. It comes from this Medium post from Feb. 22nd, written by Francine Mends, MD. Now…
That’s a great click bait title! I didn’t make it up. It comes from this Medium post from Feb. 22nd, written by Francine Mends, MD. Now, I’m not an MD. I’m just a guy going through a divorce, who has spent some time thinking about what went wrong. What I could do better next time.
Dr. Mends’ answer to the conversation question was that they need to talk about “core values”, the principles you believe in that guide your life.
Of course, not all relationship problems boil down to a mismatch in core values. But when you both know your values, you can quickly determine if you just need to patch up a small hole in your relationship roof or if a flooded basement is rotting out your foundation.
Now, I agree that a conversation about core values should be beneficial for any relationship. But it’s not “THE” serious conversation that needs to be had. THE conversation that needs to be had is on governance.
A Couple Is The Atomic Level Of Community
I’m all in on crypto, and I believe that the biggest difference between crypto and everything that came before it is “community”. And the main issues that communities need to solve for is governance. How are decisions made? How are arguments solved? How does the community evolve, if it all?
Yet we get in to relationships, which is really just a community of two, and most couples NEVER talk about governance.
So without a discussion of governance, every issue is a one off, generally decided by the person who cares more. That sounds pretty simple. Who could argue with that system? The person who cares more should get their way.
Well, the problem is, in a relationship, there is generally one person who cares more about almost everything then the other person. In my case, my ex cared more about almost everything than I did. In every relationship, by definition, there is almost always one person who is going to care more 70%, 80%, 90% of the time. Because they care deeply. And they have strong feelings.
So that means that one person is caving 70%, 80%, 90% of the time. And that is going to build up some resentment. That’s not a relationship. That’s a dictatorship.
I Just Finished Day 2 Of My Divorce Trial, Which Is One Massive Shit Show, Because We Had No Governance Agreement
My wife sued me for divorce in April, 2017. I don’t blame her for wanting to divorce me. Our 25 year marriage had run its course, years before. But I was shocked that she wanted to involve the government. I argued that it’s going to take a lot of time. It’s going to cost a lot of money. The process is going to be combative.
Well, I’m three years in, and the divorce has been all that… and more. The process has been 100X worse then the hell I had imagined. It’s 100X worse for almost everyone. And it pains me to know, that we could have solved for this if we had had a governance process. But instead, we’re letting the government grind us through this Dickensian nightmare.
That’s the conversation couples need to have. Because if you can solve the governance issue, you might actually have a chance for happiness. And if you do decide to divorce, a smart contract can solve for that in three seconds, instead of three years.
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